Helplessness

I talked. She wasn't able to talk back. I squeezed. She wasn't able to squeeze back. I cried. I begged. I pleaded. She wasn't able to do anything. Nothing. Things weren't supposed to happen this way. Things were supposed to be different. I was supposed to make it back home in time.


The last time I saw you, you were seeing me off at the airport looking just a little bit heartbroken yet at the same time inexplicably content with the situation. Like you knew things would be alright and we would see each other again.

You were supposed to be there to greet me at the airport when I returned home next year.

You were supposed to come to "yum cha" with me like times before.

You were supposed to be there for me when the time comes for me to get married.

You were supposed to not worry about me even though for the first time in our lives we would be over 6,000 miles away.

You were supposed to hold on just a little bit longer.

You were supposed to answer when I called and reached out for you.

You were supposed to have more time.


Perhaps it's only fitting. You didn't want me to leave for Japan yet you knowingly understood it would be best for my future. You worried about my well being everyday I was gone instead of getting better. You fought so hard over the past month or so; I don't think I'll ever be able to understand or begin to imagine the pain you had to suffer. I miss you and love you, and you weren't able to hear me say it one last time. If we really do meet five people in Heaven, you'll be there waiting for me once more to explain why things had to happen the way they did.

But above all else, maybe one day you'll be proud of me.